Anxiety, mental health monsters and me.

This one is very personal and might not be of interest to all! – bit of a tigger warning if your not in the mood for mental health talk x

I often hear the analogy that depression is like a black dog, it got me thinking of my monsters and what they look like to me.

My Sadness isn’t a black dog stalking at my back, it’s bright red butterflies distracting my bravery and burning me as it flits in and out of my life. Disturbing me … but fluttering away. Sometimes it’s one butterfly that pops in and pops out; other times it’s an overwhelming all consuming storm that takes my breath away consuming me in its chaos and entombing me it it’s painful embrace. But much like butterflies it eventually passes. But My fear? Now my fear is a beast, dark, huge and imposing that looms over me at every turn, it never leaves.

 I know it’s there even when I’m not consumed by it. When he does consume me? He wraps his arms around me and pulls me deep into the darkness. his weight crushing me. Feeding my anxiety. Physically hurting me. Causing me to struggle to breath. The more I fight the harder it gets; I get heavy and drawn into the darkness unable to breath, fight, move. It makes my legs heavy, my heart thunder and my head ache. Even when he isn’t consuming me I am aware he is there. Unable to forget him. Breathing down my neck. Constantly reminded of his power to paralyse and destroy me.

 My anger ? She is red fox, walking at my side, she sometimes fights the fear, and other times she fights me. She tears at my soul, my confidence, my understanding of myself. She morphs into self loathing and hatred. Other times she fights with me and keeps me going. Keeps me fighting, keeps me moving, keeps me growing. 

Now if my monsters are a manifestation of negative emotions then there are definitely some that are positive. 

My bravery? My bravery is a guide dog . Guiding me through life, helping me to see in the dark, lifting me when I have fallen. But she gets distracted by the butterflies of depression and sometime cannot see the fear getting ready to pounce. And my hope? A small bird living in my rib cage, she is warm and ever present. fed my my happiness, my family and my success , and shielded from my fear. Beside her is my happiness ; a bright extravagant monster. Full of energy and warmth . Bursting with light and colour.  

So there is no black dog stalking me but I do feel like I walk through the world with my monsters both good and bad.

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